Shifting Perspectives
Our Truth Vs. What We're Taught To Believe.
Hey Friend,
I was just thinking about… people getting stuck in their lives.
Here’s how I see it.
It starts with the people who influence you the most. Being a kid, you don’t know about life, you’re trying to figure it out and have a good time. Your adult influencers want the best for you and they want you to have all the advantages that life has to offer. Yet, they want you to be normal. It’s confusing.
The underlying message is: Do what you're told and BE like everyone else.
Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you? Phrases like: be nice, be kind, don’t do that because it might hurt someone’s feelings, don’t be a baby, you’re fine so get over it, stop being lazy, you need to plan ahead? You get the idea. I’m sure you have your own
Words that are meant to help you can actually hurt you by creating unconscious internal confusion.
On one hand, feeling normal is a priority. It’s that part of you that’s hard wired to feel included and accepted by others. There’s a deep sense of belonging that often feels good when we’re with our people.
On the other hand is your inside voice. It’s that part of you that speaks the truth of how you feel and what you think. It’s that small whisper, that gut feeling and knowingness that just knows. This perspective is your intuition coming through as thoughts.
The In-between space sits in the middle playing a game of tug-of-war because you're trying to live your life from two different perspectives: the world outside of you and the world inside of you. What you're told and expected to do vs. what your intuitive desires are really wanting you to do.
The sucky truth is you know what you want to do but you feel pulled to do the right thing. Now, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. As time goes by, your perspectives get screwed-up.
How’d we get so lop-sided?
Basically, we’ve learned it from our family, caregivers and the culture we were raised in.
We’ve absorbed the messages from adults in authority who are stressed out because they needed to get stuff done. And they were dealing with their own inner critics and outside pressures.
Now, as an adult, some of those conditioned behaviors to fit in and get along are exactly what keeps us stuck.
Over the years of working with hundreds of clients, here are three perspectives I’ve seen that keep most people stuck. (Myself included!)
Here’s what I see:
Most people think they are responsible for the problem. They can make it go away by fixing it, managing it, changing it, or doing something about it.
The truth is, just because you can see it doesn’t mean it's yours to fix. Sometimes, you feel it but you're just the receiver and something outside of your control needs to change for it to be resolved.
Most people think if they stop doing for others they’ll be rejected, people will judge them, not like them, leave them.
The truth is, people will like them more when they show up authentically as themselves. Because they’ll be real and relatable. The happier you are inside, shines through on the outside.
3. Most people think there’s something wrong with them because they can’t figure life out.
The truth is, those feelings of discomfort and worry, are actually their internal guidance system, nudging them that they aren’t living authentically.
Can you relate to any of these?
Let me give you a quick example of what I’m talking about.
When my daughter Sydney (who’s almost 30 now) was in elementary school, she had a buddy named Sarah. They went to school together and Sarah’s mom Ellen and I were friends. She and I would meet at the park a few mornings a week after drop off to walk the trails. We’d talk and have short mini-mom mastermind sessions.
One week, I volunteered to be a parent driver for a school field trip. A few days before, Sydney confided in me that Sarah had been bullying her at school and she didn't know what to do about it. Obviously, my mama bear instincts kicked in and I deliberated for days about how to handle this. The morning of the field trip, I asked the teachers to put Sarah in another parent's car because she had been bullying my daughter.
As you can imagine, this caused a world of trouble with Ellen, Sarah’s mom.
Because I knew about the problem, and I was protecting my daughter, I thought it was up to me to fix it.
To me, the car change was the obvious solution that would protect my daughter (which it did) and preserve my friendship (which it didn’t). I was responding from the in-between space.
Ellen was upset with me because I didn’t talk to her directly. I handled the problem myself, and left her out of the conversation. This was something that hurt her and broke our bond of trust. And our friendship ended because of it. It broke my heart because that wasn’t my intention–but my perspective was off.
What I did that ultimately cost my friendship with Ellen, is where a lot of us get stuck.
I realized years later, my beliefs clouded my judgment of how to handle the situation. Being a fixer is not a bad thing, it's a very handy life skill. However, I was fixing from a place of not wanting to hurt my friend's feelings. I believed if I stopped being nice and supportive to my friend she would judge me and not want to be my friend.
And in the end the exact thing I was trying to avoid was what happened.
I messed up and felt horrible. Even so, in the end my daughter’s situation improved. Thanks to the teachers, who spoke to Ellen and the girls. The bullying stopped.
What could I have done differently?
I could have shared with Ellen what was going on between the girls and asked her what she thought we should do.
Have you handled a situation badly and realized later you were stuck in an old pattern of trying to do these three things?
I’d love to hear your experience in the comments below.
With love + expansion,
Rebecca
P.S. Be on the lookout for the next newsletter where I’ll share the last 4 sticky perspectives. Who knows, they may be just what you need to help you figure out a problem.
*Originally published on Substack June 14, 2024